Hibernation

Jack Frost has arrived and I'm ready to hibernate, I'm just grateful that I can, Ahhhh. Hot soups and stews, cuddling under electric blankets, movies and lots of internet. I cant wait to tidy up the house too. Thats the high points of my least favorite season, Winter, Blah.

Thats it, no more finals, WHEW.......I did all I can do and its been a stressful first semester for me. I hope I've passed all my classes but Math is a cliffhanger right now, had a B but after being sick, my average fell. I have come to terms with the fact that it won't be the end of the world if I don't pass. Also, I know what I will try to avoid next semester, putting things off. Cramming is not fun. Since I made it through this crazy semester of bad luck, next time wont seem so bad.

So of course he came back. I totally expected what was to come, the apologies and regret that always comes with nights blown off with booze. I tried to prepare myself, be strong and angry, harden my heart. It worked for a little while, long enough to prove my point. I will not be disrespected. All I can give is one more chance, I don't even know why but I will, just this one time. So here I am again, confused because I had made up my mind but then he changed it. I feel like a sucker on one hand but on the other hand, I am not a perfect person and don't expect anyone else to be either.

For those who know me, know me well, and are aware that this is a heartwrenching time for me. I have been in constant pain, only a few weeks into my pregnancy. I am probably going to miscarry. I have not taken care of myself very well. My body cannot handle a pregnancy. I have come to the realization that I will not be having a baby. To those who disagree with whatever choice I have to make, I'm sorry and respect your point of view. I know whats best for me and these decisions do not come without deep emotional and spiritual pain. I know that true freinds like you understand my heart, you know what kind of person I really am. Thank you for all the love and support

Pizza and chocolate covered peanuts..........
What else can a pregnant girl do on a Saturday night
while her boyfriends out drinking the future away?

Now heres a delima for ya, I'll start from the beginning,say your a 38yr old , self-sustaining, semi-modern woman. You left your extremely abusive husband 10yrs ago, with three young children in tow. Nothing to our names but a suitcase full of clothes, what was left of my dignity,and a tattered old typewriter case full of food bought with foodstamps so my kids wouldnt go hungry. It was a long ride to Arkansas and I wasnt sure how to feel. After 11 years, how could I not see, my family had been waiting to embrace me again. Oh, and the fear and the joy of my escape from him was so elating. I knew I was finnally free from his cage and I could never let him get his hands around me again!
So, over the years of custody battles, financial woes, relationships with the same ole crappy results. You find yourself looking back on your life and asking, was it all worth it? Sure I got a cute little house and a sporty car but they are not paid for. Yeah I've had good paying jobs that helped me get where I'm going but I earned those jobs with dedication and hard work. I was so hell-bent on trying to prove to my crappy ex who warped me, my confused kids who were growing up without me, my parents, my lovers and my egotistical self that I was good enough.
I dont know where this going right now but I'm fueled up on heartache. So here I am, 38 still, layed off from your job so you go back to college. Try to find a "career". Follow your heart , follow your heart, is all i hear inside.You finally ditch your[in]security blanket of a boyfreind after 7yrs. Immediately get a wild hair and hook up with a long-legged, guitar pickin man. What you thought would be a one night stand turned into an OH SHIT surprise real fast.
Sure I was rebelling, yeah I knew he was kinda bad, I knew people were talking about my "decisions", but I was looking for some fun. I'd been tied down to an older man who was comfortably numb and I would do anything just to feel good again. It felt good alright, good enough to let my guard down just enough-you know, to get that love-rush that we all crave.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, NO WAY, my eggs are rotten, I cant have babies, I'm too old, I like to party, I'm going to college, I'm a grandmother! This can't be happening!
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To be continued......................

Update

Well, he was at the bar, what a surprise. So i got back my key , packed up his shit and put it on my porch.

Well, thats it, I'm throwing in the towel, taking my losses and writing this relationship off as another lesson learned in disfunctional relationships. I knew it was'nt going to work anyway, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, as usual. I think I have this inherant need to "fix" people. He told me I was his "angel" sent to save him, WELL, that was all my gullible little heart needed to hear to make me melt into his arms. I've been told that I have a knack for taking in strays, i just wish i could keep it to the actual canine variety.

I definately don't have time for all this bullshit, I'm smack dab in the middle of finals and this whirlwind love affair has already been too distracting for my studies. I just hope he comes and gets what few belongings he has without a fuss or begging me to forgive him and just goes on. It's only been 3 months but the stresses in this short amount of time have been unreal, almost like a frickin nightmare. Sure he was charming and said all the things I wanted to hear but when that rush of wonderlust and excitement of new love wears off, reality sets in and I'm not such a big fan of reality. I live in my own little happy world and thats where I plan to stay!