Taking a little time.

Okay, so I'm not a faithful blogger. It's my blog and I can do what I want to right? Any whoo.... I really don't know what to say, just thought i would take a little time to collect my thoughts-here. My life has been so busy and so competely different in the last year. Its strange, I feel I have changed in some ways but yet, I am still the same. I ride the bus now instead of zipping around in a sporty yellow Mustang (oh how I miss my freedom machine) I am totally consumed with all things that revolve around school. No more all nighters, dancing till my feet were sore or chasing your favorite bands from bar to bar just cuz you can. Nope, these are the days of sacrifice,homework-lots of homework, working hard to get a degree that may or may not lead me to my "dream job". UGH, I'm tired- I just want a job that is satisfying, pays the bills and hopefully leaves me with some feeling of accomplishment. Geeze, who doesn't want that?

Anyway, I am in such transition right now-wanting to move forward-feeling my feet moving but going nowhere.

Its just taking a little time I guess.

The Fool

This Tarot Deck: Aquarian

General Meaning: Pamela Coleman-Smith's artful rendition of an "innocent Fool" archetype (Rider-Waite deck) is often used to represent Tarot in general. Early classical versions of the Fool card, however, portray quite a different character -- a person driven by base needs and urges, who has fallen into a state of poverty and deprivation.

In some instances, he is made out to be a carnival entertainer or a huckster. In others, he is portrayed as decrepit and vulnerable -- as the cumulative result of his delusions and failures. Not until the 20th century do you see the popular Rider-Waite image of the Fool arise -- that of an innocent Soul before its Fall into Matter, as yet untainted by contact with society and all its ills.

Modern decks usually borrow from the Rider-Waite imagery. Most Fool cards copy the bucolic mountainside scene, the butterfly, the potential misplaced step that will send the Fool tumbling into the unknown. Don't forget, however, that the earlier versions of this card represented already-fallen humanity, over-identified with the material plane of existence, and beginning a pilgrimage towards self-knowledge, and eventually, wisdom. The Fool reminds us to recognize the path of personal development within ourselves -- and the stage upon that path where we find ourselves -- in order to energize our movement toward deeper self-realization.

Time to get out, for reals dude!

Five of Swords
The Five of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in the upper hand. I can outwit or outlast and I choose my battles wisely. This puts me in a superior position. I know when it's time to hold, fold, or walk away. I am a survivor and am not easily defeated. I am empowered to gain the advantage by turnabout and my virtue fair play.

The Six of Swords card suggests that the worst might be over, but now what? It may be time to accept the facts -- move out of your comfort zone, seek refuge or guidance from someone in the same boat in order to resolve, reconcile and move on. See your way out of a negative situation, for it may have nothing left to offer you. Rebuilding trust or seeking a better life needs to be done although you may not meet it with much enthusiasm or confidence. Make sure you don't take your previous baggage with you on this emigration. You must dump the heartbreak, resentment, tension, dependency or ties that burden you, otherwise you could recreate similar conditions or trade one hardship or bad relationship for another.
The Six of Swords card suggests that the worst might be over, but now what? It may be time to accept the facts -- move out of your comfort zone, seek refuge or guidance from someone in the same boat in order to resolve, reconcile and move on. See your way out of a negative situation, for it may have nothing left to offer you. Rebuilding trust or seeking a better life needs to be done although you may not meet it with much enthusiasm or confidence. Make sure you don't take your previous baggage with you on this emigration. You must dump the heartbreak, resentment, tension, dependency or ties that burden you, otherwise you could recreate similar conditions or trade one hardship or bad relationship for another.
The Six of Swords card suggests that the worst might be over, but now what? It may be time to accept the facts -- move out of your comfort zone, seek refuge or guidance from someone in the same boat in order to resolve, reconcile and move on. See your way out of a negative situation, for it may have nothing left to offer you. Rebuilding trust or seeking a better life needs to be done although you may not meet it with much enthusiasm or confidence. Make sure you don't take your previous baggage with you on this emigration. You must dump the heartbreak, resentment, tension, dependency or ties that burden you, otherwise you could recreate similar conditions or trade one hardship or bad relationship for another.
The Six of Swords card suggests that the worst might be over, but now what? It may be time to accept the facts -- move out of your comfort zone, seek refuge or guidance from someone in the same boat in order to resolve, reconcile and move on. See your way out of a negative situation, for it may have nothing left to offer you. Rebuilding trust or seeking a better life needs to be done although you may not meet it with much enthusiasm or confidence. Make sure you don't take your previous baggage with you on this emigration. You must dump the heartbreak, resentment, tension, dependency or ties that burden you, otherwise you could recreate similar conditions or trade one hardship or bad relationship for another.

Feels Real

Ten of Wands
The Ten of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in conscience. He ain't heavy, he's my brother. I own responsibility for the baggage I have chosen to carry but I am ready to lay the weight of a burden or secret I have been hiding behind where it belongs in order to reconcile my conscience. Do I want to be right or alone? I am empowered by blind faith in fulfilling my purpose or greater good to just do it, and I transform through in passion or direction in principle.

Just thinking.........

Blues

So, I've really been into some really heavy, olde time- I mean olde time Delta Blues. It just seems kinda fitting for my life right now. In general I am a very happy person but it seems the trials and tribulations of life are always there. Hard times, love gone wrong,heart-ache,trying to make it and feeling lonely, drinkin too much, that's all the stuff a good blues song is made of.

I don't know, just seemed like an interesting card for the day........

Moon
The Moon card suggests that my alter ego is the Magnetic One, whose superpower lies in my innate ability for reflection, and that of turning the tide. Today I feel like a natural woman. I am a goddess that reflects the mystique and magnetism of women, rising above all boundaries. 'This too shall pass.' Shining brightly, I will overcome empty promises in the dark and dangerous liaisons. Enjoy the thrill of the hunt and the drama when your forces of attraction are at their strongest.

Your Attitude to Relationships as Shaped by Your Birth Star or Nakshatra Sarvana

You like to be in amicable relationships and maintain socially approved behavior at all times. You may appear calculating, but it may not be because of selfish motivations. Rather, you may be just trying to maintain control and keeping up appearances when dealing with others. You are stubborn and find it difficult to yield to the pressure of maintaining relationships. You don't like to give up on any relationship unless it's outlived its usefulness, and once you start to develop a relationship, you make sure that it reaches completion. Others admire your ability to listen, learn and teach them meaningful things. You learn a lot from others about the ways and means of cultivating workable relationships and you do not hesitate to apply the same knowledge with humility for your relationships to flourish. You are respected for living an ethical and moral life, and others believe in what you say.

Your relationships are likely to influence you immensely, as your receptivity gives you the ability to learn from others. Be extremely choosy about the kind of relationships you enter into, as you can easily fall prey to deception and bad advice.You are highly active socially and love living in the public. You have a very businesslike approach to relationships, though your primary objective is to maintain cordiality. You are clever in conversation and skilled at putting others at ease quickly. You love to talk endlessly and may spend a lot of time on telephone. You need to be aware of your tendencies to be excessively generous in your efforts to preserve the order in relationships, which may lead to debts and poverty. Your extreme ethical stands and treating morality above compassion can lead to friction. Children may not like to listen to your moral lectures and justification if it hinders their individuality, leading to possible problems. However, through your faith in life and existence, you can overcome most of your difficulties. You need to listen to your inner voice and cultivate intuition w unselfish efforts to maintain order and adherence to truth.

Whats goin on

Good stuff:
1.Well, I volunteered for a position as an usher for 4 broadway shows in exchange for a free pass to each show.Pretty cool, I'm excited about it. The first show is Feb.11th. It's the Billy Joel musical Movin Out
2.I got a tutor for Algebra, thats good.
3. I filed my taxes and I don't owe a dime plus will be getting enough to catch up a little on bills, blah
4. I am loved.

Bad stuff:
1. My parents are being assholes to my sister and I just wish they would let off a little and let her make her own choices. They have become so materialistic it makes me sick, they are hoarders and it's embarrassing. Plus, I wish my Mom was more truthful about her feelings.
2. I feel like I am always hurting people I care about.
3. I got a D on my Psychology test but its my own fault because I didnt study. I'll try harder next time.

Here comes the sun

My sweetie keeps saying the future's so bright, we gotta wear "chades".I am glad he's so happy with his new job. Weve been in the middle of an ice storm and all he could think about was getting to the job to finish where they left off at. Whadda ya crazy? lol
All I can think about is my disgustingly nauseous tummy and all the homework I havent done,I've been sick since I woke up yesterday, UGH, not a good start.

Fresh start

It's been so long since I posted that I almost feel like starting over but I wont.

Anywho, things are good. I've been busy with school, adjusting to my new schedule(which is awesome). I love my classes, so far, Pschycology, Speech, English comp 2 and Algebra(yuck, but I'm trying to give myself a new perspective on Math and tell myself I love it and I can do well, signing up for a tutor just to stay on top of things, hopefully, lol)

Stephan got a killer new job as an electrician's apprentice and the future is looking bright.

Hibernation

Jack Frost has arrived and I'm ready to hibernate, I'm just grateful that I can, Ahhhh. Hot soups and stews, cuddling under electric blankets, movies and lots of internet. I cant wait to tidy up the house too. Thats the high points of my least favorite season, Winter, Blah.

Thats it, no more finals, WHEW.......I did all I can do and its been a stressful first semester for me. I hope I've passed all my classes but Math is a cliffhanger right now, had a B but after being sick, my average fell. I have come to terms with the fact that it won't be the end of the world if I don't pass. Also, I know what I will try to avoid next semester, putting things off. Cramming is not fun. Since I made it through this crazy semester of bad luck, next time wont seem so bad.

So of course he came back. I totally expected what was to come, the apologies and regret that always comes with nights blown off with booze. I tried to prepare myself, be strong and angry, harden my heart. It worked for a little while, long enough to prove my point. I will not be disrespected. All I can give is one more chance, I don't even know why but I will, just this one time. So here I am again, confused because I had made up my mind but then he changed it. I feel like a sucker on one hand but on the other hand, I am not a perfect person and don't expect anyone else to be either.

For those who know me, know me well, and are aware that this is a heartwrenching time for me. I have been in constant pain, only a few weeks into my pregnancy. I am probably going to miscarry. I have not taken care of myself very well. My body cannot handle a pregnancy. I have come to the realization that I will not be having a baby. To those who disagree with whatever choice I have to make, I'm sorry and respect your point of view. I know whats best for me and these decisions do not come without deep emotional and spiritual pain. I know that true freinds like you understand my heart, you know what kind of person I really am. Thank you for all the love and support

Pizza and chocolate covered peanuts..........
What else can a pregnant girl do on a Saturday night
while her boyfriends out drinking the future away?

Now heres a delima for ya, I'll start from the beginning,say your a 38yr old , self-sustaining, semi-modern woman. You left your extremely abusive husband 10yrs ago, with three young children in tow. Nothing to our names but a suitcase full of clothes, what was left of my dignity,and a tattered old typewriter case full of food bought with foodstamps so my kids wouldnt go hungry. It was a long ride to Arkansas and I wasnt sure how to feel. After 11 years, how could I not see, my family had been waiting to embrace me again. Oh, and the fear and the joy of my escape from him was so elating. I knew I was finnally free from his cage and I could never let him get his hands around me again!
So, over the years of custody battles, financial woes, relationships with the same ole crappy results. You find yourself looking back on your life and asking, was it all worth it? Sure I got a cute little house and a sporty car but they are not paid for. Yeah I've had good paying jobs that helped me get where I'm going but I earned those jobs with dedication and hard work. I was so hell-bent on trying to prove to my crappy ex who warped me, my confused kids who were growing up without me, my parents, my lovers and my egotistical self that I was good enough.
I dont know where this going right now but I'm fueled up on heartache. So here I am, 38 still, layed off from your job so you go back to college. Try to find a "career". Follow your heart , follow your heart, is all i hear inside.You finally ditch your[in]security blanket of a boyfreind after 7yrs. Immediately get a wild hair and hook up with a long-legged, guitar pickin man. What you thought would be a one night stand turned into an OH SHIT surprise real fast.
Sure I was rebelling, yeah I knew he was kinda bad, I knew people were talking about my "decisions", but I was looking for some fun. I'd been tied down to an older man who was comfortably numb and I would do anything just to feel good again. It felt good alright, good enough to let my guard down just enough-you know, to get that love-rush that we all crave.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, NO WAY, my eggs are rotten, I cant have babies, I'm too old, I like to party, I'm going to college, I'm a grandmother! This can't be happening!
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To be continued......................

Update

Well, he was at the bar, what a surprise. So i got back my key , packed up his shit and put it on my porch.

Well, thats it, I'm throwing in the towel, taking my losses and writing this relationship off as another lesson learned in disfunctional relationships. I knew it was'nt going to work anyway, I jumped from the frying pan into the fire, as usual. I think I have this inherant need to "fix" people. He told me I was his "angel" sent to save him, WELL, that was all my gullible little heart needed to hear to make me melt into his arms. I've been told that I have a knack for taking in strays, i just wish i could keep it to the actual canine variety.

I definately don't have time for all this bullshit, I'm smack dab in the middle of finals and this whirlwind love affair has already been too distracting for my studies. I just hope he comes and gets what few belongings he has without a fuss or begging me to forgive him and just goes on. It's only been 3 months but the stresses in this short amount of time have been unreal, almost like a frickin nightmare. Sure he was charming and said all the things I wanted to hear but when that rush of wonderlust and excitement of new love wears off, reality sets in and I'm not such a big fan of reality. I live in my own little happy world and thats where I plan to stay!